I didn't mean to quit drinking

But once I did, everything changed

It was mid-summer and I was on my way to a friend’s garage party to watch a UFC fight on the big screen. I wasn’t into that sort of stuff, but I wanted to spend some time with friends I hadn’t seen in a while - it had been so long that I was surprising one of them, they didn’t even know I was back in town. I had found out whose house they were meeting at, what time, and also who was going to be there, so I had everything I needed to pull off the surprise, except one thing - a level head.

I had found out that my ex was going to be at this party, too, and although we’re cordial with each other (and have been since the relationship ended), I was still feeling anxious. Anxious because I was bringing my new partner to a place that reflected my old life. Anxious because, although I had healed a lot from my past, it still felt uncomfortable being around people who hated me. Anxious because I had changed a lot over the years, and I wasn’t sure how it would feel to be back in a space that I no longer fit in.

Regardless of the anxiety, I chose to still attend - but not without stopping at the liquor store first to grab a six pack of gluten-free beers (gluten sensitive gal who missed real beer) to help take the edge off in hopes it would alleviate some of my nerves. Spoiler alert - it didn’t.

We arrived at the party, and the surprise went off without a hitch. My friend was elated to see me and hug me, it felt good to be welcomed in that way. I made my rounds and said hello to the ones I was still connected to - the ones who had held me with kindness. And I kept my distance from the others, the ones who still gossiped, laughed behind my back, and tried, in subtle and not-so-subtle ways, to tear me down.

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