Stop regulating your nervous system
And let yourself emote
Hello wild ones,
I hope you are well and feeling nourished in your nervous system.
I don’t know about you, but every time I open up the Instagram app these days I see a slew of quick hit reels of someone demonstrating some practice to help you ‘calm down.’ And while these practices have a place and do hold value, I am noticing that with the rise of nervous system education (it’s trending now right?) comes an influx of people sharing tips and tricks to help you regulate - but are these strategies really achieving the promised outcome?
Let’s dive in and explore this more, with context and nuance of course.
I love a deep sigh of relief, I enjoy EFT tapping, and I always feel great after a yoga class. I use and practice somatic tools regularly to support myself, but years ago these were the only things I was doing to regulate my emotions, of which there were plenty. And while they helped me in some ways, they also encouraged a well-worn path of functional freeze because I wasn’t meeting myself, I was subduing myself.
Let me explain what I mean with a story.
Back then I was teaching yoga at several studios across the region and was obsessed with breathing properly, drinking the green juices, and binging on Gabby Bernstein books, all while looking for silver linings for every misfortune or shitty situation I experienced - I loved a good spiritual bypass session with my yogi friends. At the time, it seemed like the noble thing to do - don’t get caught up in your emotions, look on the bright side, be grateful for everything, and calm yourself down if you edge anywhere close to agitation. And don’t even think about anger, because that’s not very yogi of you, right?
Looking back at that time, which feels like 3 lifetimes ago now, I can’t help but laugh a bit, but I also can’t help but hold so much compassion for that version of me. I only knew what I knew then, and having grown up being celebrated for my ‘goodness’ it naturally seemed like the right fit to positively think my way through all of life’s lemons. Everyone in my life knew me as the happy, bubbly girl who was so optimistic and always knew how to handle things that came her way, but what they (and I) didn’t realize was that my body was also holding a lot of trauma and dysregulation.
It wasn’t until I was experiencing full-blown PTSD as a result of two sexual assaults that I realized something was going on. I turned to my yoga mat, as I always did during times of suffering, but for the first time something was different, and I physically couldn’t practice anymore. I started developing very strange physical symptoms, and I kept trying to push through until I finally started LISTENING to my body and stopped my practice altogether.
I didn’t need more ujjayi breathing or downward dogs, I needed to meet the anger that was alive and hot in my bones.
This was foreign territory for me. Me? Angry? But I am the happy bubbly girl that is so strong and resilient, right? I was those things, but for my entire life, I ignored the other parts of me that are just as valid, just as human - but parts that I had been shamed or judged for and conditioned to suppress, especially as a woman.
Fast forward a few years, plenty of bodywork and therapy sessions under my belt, and a deep dive into my three-year training as a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner, and I feel like a new woman. I am still very much the happy bubbly girl who loves to laugh and have a good time, and I am also the woman who meets herself fully, authentically, and with reverence. I have worked through years and layers of suppressed anger, unmet grief, and deep pain that had been lingering in my ligaments and marinating in my skin, but was hiding beneath the functional freeze I was so accustomed to.
No one would have known all of that was waiting for me to meet, because those who are living in functional freeze appear calm, happy, capable, and high-achieving. I loved getting shit done and crossing big things off my large to-do list, and I was good at it - another management strategy that served me at the time, and how brilliant my nervous system was for figuring out what to do to navigate the internal chaos.
But the truth is, these management strategies only work for so long until the body gets louder. Sometimes that looks like strange physical symptoms, chronic health issues, exhaustion or burnout, muscle tension, digestive issues, and cold hands and feet, to name a few. Of course, this isn’t prescriptive and if you experience any of these it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re experiencing functional freeze, but it’s worth exploring. Many people are experiencing functional freeze without realizing that’s what’s going on. I spent years, and a lot of money, going from doctor to doctor trying to figure out what was wrong with my body, and to my surprise, there was absolutely nothing wrong with my body, it just needed a lot of support to find its way back to regulation.
So if regulation is the answer, why am I telling people to stop regulating their nervous system in the title of this essay?
The short answer - because what we are being taught about nervous system regulation on social media isn’t necessarily accurate.
Let me explain…
Nervous system regulation isn’t about being ‘calm’ all the time.
Being regulated doesn’t mean life doesn’t touch you anymore and everything brushes off your shoulders effortlessly. It doesn’t mean you don’t emote. A healthy and regulated nervous system is flexible, adaptive, and robust, and one that can meet the edges of activation and has access to a wide range of responses, and can then return to regulation with relative ease thereafter.
This means we allow ourselves to meet and experience anger when it arises, we allow shame to sit with us when it shows up, we welcome anxiety and fear in when it knocks at our door, and we let tears meet our eyes when our hearts are aching. And THEN, regulation comes to meet us again soon after. That is what it means to have a healthy regulated nervous system, not one that never feels these uncomfortable emotions.
But I see a library of posts online with titles such as “Do this to calm your nervous system” or “This is how you regulate”. And I get it, it’s attractive and this type of marketing sells. But it’s also misleading and lacks depth. We don’t just do heel drops or bilateral tapping to support our nervous system, it’s not just about applying some trendy tool the moment we feel dysregulated - that isn’t regulation, that’s symptom management.
Yes, these little tools are supportive and can be used at times, but if that’s all you’re doing it isn’t addressing the underlying physiology that has created these symptoms. Real regulation, that also is sustainable, isn’t just about using a quick fix to "calm down" or "feel better" in the moment. It’s about building capacity in your nervous system over time—learning to be with your emotions, sensations, and experiences rather than immediately trying to change or suppress them. We aren’t supposed to remedy every single emotion we experience.
Regulation means developing a deeper, ongoing, and attuned relationship with your nervous system, not just applying a tool like a band-aid when things feel overwhelming.
So when I say stop regulating your nervous system, what I mean is stop jumping to tools the moment you feel discomfort in your body or have a challenging emotion. Let yourself be with it, even if just for 10 seconds longer than you normally would, to help support your nervous system in building capacity to be with it and lessen the urgency that is flooding your system wanting you to get rid of something fast. Easier said than done, of course. But that’s why it’s a practice and an ongoing relationship, and over time, your nervous system will have a greater capacity to hold discomfort, and after every contraction naturally comes an expansion.
So the next time you feel the urge to ‘fix’ your dysregulation with a quick tool, pause. Ask yourself: what if regulation isn’t about doing more, but about listening more deeply?
What if regulation isn’t just about finding the right tool, but about trusting your body to lead? How would that change the way you show up for yourself?
Your nervous system isn’t a problem to solve. It’s a language to learn, a rhythm to meet, and a relationship to tend to. What if, instead of managing it, you began listening?
If this resonated, I’d love to hear from you. How do you relate to regulation—have you found yourself relying on tools without a deeper connection? Hit reply or share in the comments, I love chatting about this stuff.
Until next time, stay wild.
With love,
Laurita
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Ps. And if you are a woman who wants to dive deeper into nervous system nourishment and somatic support I am running the 4th cohort of my program RECLAIM. This is a 12-week program that is deeply supportive and has changed many women’s lives. You can add your name to the waitlist here to be the first to get updates about when doors open.
Pps. Let me know if you enjoy audio recordings of my essays! I’d love to know if you prefer listening or reading.
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Love this so much and totally agree!
Everyone trying to regulate to a tiny spectrum of feeling. I thought the nervous system was built to withstand a bit of stress and it’s healthy to exercise it. Give me a little tension here or there haha xx
This is fab I love that you are telling me the opposite of what I always was told....anger is bad....no it's NOT....'regulating' and denying expression of justifyable anger is BAD. Thankyou